Icarus
by Scotia Daniel
Summary: Donatello's plans go horribly wrong when he tries to create a potion to make him the one thing he had always wanted to become: a human.
1. The Fall

Donatello was so wrapped up in trying to break away from what he was...no...is, he forgot to step back and really think. Think about his decision. Think about the consequences, not just the benefits. The benefits that honestly were probably chances with luck and fate.

But that was the thing about Donatello. When he was so wrapped up in something, he more often than not ended up hurt in some way. He may be intelligent and a man of science, but science doesn't always mean it gets along with fate or destiny. It was as though the mutant laughed in the face of fate. Like he could control it. Like he had forever to live and laugh at life because he was so intelligent he could easily outsmart the simplest of atoms.

And love did that to you, too. Make you forget how to be yourself. How to properly think. How to wake up and smell the probability and science in the morning, not just chance.

Perhaps it was the need to get out of the lair and be more than just a thing hiding in the sewers that drove Donatello to make an anti-mutagen to make him normal, perhaps it was the want to be normal so he could be with the beautiful April O'Neil, but either way there was SOMETHING that pushed him to find a cure for the thing that made him this...monstrosity.

Donatello worked into the late hours of the night and the early hours of the morning working on the potion that could either end him or make him the one thing he had always wanted to be: human. Finally he could walk the streets without having to hide in the shadows of the buildings and take shelter given by the night. Finally he could go to school and one day win that Nobel Prize he had always wanted. Finally he could have a normal life and maybe even live the rest of it with the red head he loved.

And with time, he had created the potion that could make or break him. Looking at the substance, Donatello felt the sudden feeling of nerves for the first time since he had been wrapped up in the project. He was the only one who could make a cure, well, besides April. But if it had the opposite effect than what he hoped...

Donatello shook his head. He couldn't go back. Not when he was this close to success. Not when he was this close to being human. The mutant moved the test tube in a 'cheers' like movement before tilting his head back and chugging the substance.

He waited for something. Anything. Donatello started to feel the change and his heart sped in excitement. After a moment of the feeling, he tasted blood in his mouth and could feel his stomach hitch.

Something was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Donatello dropped to his knees, coughing up blood into his hands that dripped to the floor. But he was so sure he had gotten it. So sure he had finally made the cure. Where did he go wrong?

The mutant's thoughts spun in his head, trying to think of what he could have gotten goofed up. Maybe he didn't put enough of a certain substance in? Too much? But how? He was always right about these kinds of things. Always.

"Donnie? You in here?"

Donatello coughed but couldn't cry out to the sweet voice of April. He felt himself slump against the wall, feeling his vision begin to blur. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid. He had been so wrapped up in wanting a human life, he had been too cocky about his work and was blinded by his arrogance. Arrogance that finally got the best of him.

"Donnie!?"

He could hear footsteps race toward him and felt two small, soft hands on his skin. They eagerly brushed against his brow and onto his cheek. He opened an eye to see how scared she looked. How worried she was. How worried she was for him.

"Donnie? Donnie! I'm here, it's okay, you'll be okay I promise. Oh, god, there's so much blood...what happened? Donnie, stay with me, okay? You have to stay with me. Please, Donnie. For me."

He wanted to. So badly. But he could feel himself slipping away as his insides were being torn apart deep within him. Tears pierced Donatello's eyes and he wanted to say so much to her right then but couldn't form the words.

April looked as though she wanted to run for help but didn't want to leave him alone. 'Oh, god, please don't leave me alone.' Donatello leaned toward her and she held him to her as he became limp against the floor. She held his head and grazed her fingers over his bald skin in a soothing way.

"It's okay, it's okay, everything will be okay...I promise..." She repeated the phrase over and over, but deep down Donnie knew it wasn't. He could hear her scream for help. For someone. Anyone.

Donatello felt himself plunge into darkness. He could still feel April. Hear her. He wanted to touch her. See her. He was scared. He didn't want to die. Not like that. He could make out faint words that broke his heart:

"Stay with me, Donnie. I love you."

Donatello felt a sob rip through his chest. If he hadn't done this, he could be with her just the way he was. He didn't have to be human to be with her. Didn't have to be human to be the great man he was. Is. He tried to say "I love you, too." Did she hear him? Did he say it? He wouldn't know, for he plunged the rest of the way into an eternity of darkness.


	2. Guilt

"Mom, can we leave now?"

"Just a minute, sweetie."

April O'Neil stared at the one spot in the grassy field beneath the drooping arms of a willow tree. To anyone but her, it was just a spot in the grass. Nothing out of the ordinary at all. Just a stupid spot under the stupid shade of a stupid tree in the middle of a stupid field on the outskirts of stupid New York City.

The red head had been sitting in front of the spot for probably an hour or so. Maybe longer. She tended to lose track of time when she visited this place. Not that she minded, but whenever she brought a visitor they didn't seem to understand why she needed her time there.

Whenever someone asked her why she came to that spot, she always replied with: 'to visit a friend.' Not that they would understand. Not that anyone would ever understand. She could tell people why she was there and who she was visiting, but no one would believe her. At least, not anyone human.

April gazed at the flat rock that rested on the ground. Grass had grown around it and seemed to shield it in places. She always grew angry with nature for having the guts to grow weeds around the slab of stone.

The woman leaned over and picked the grass around the stone until it no longer covered the words underneath:

'Here lies Donatello Yoshi

Beloved friend, brother, and fighter.'

April brushed her fingers over the name and felt her lip tremble. Even after thirty years, she still couldn't grasp the fact that he was gone. Still couldn't hold her tears in. Well, she supposed it was to be expected. She had loved the purple clad mutant. And he had gone and gotten himself killed.

She remembered the day perfectly. And she knew she'd never forget it. A sixteen year old version of herself had walked into the mutant's lab expecting to see his bright and cheery face. To see the gap in his teeth. To hear the excitement in his voice whenever she entered the room to tell her about some new gadget or discovery he had made.

But April was met with none of that. Instead, she was met with the hunched figure of Donatello against the wall, blood dripping from his lips as he struggled to breathe. It was an invention that had gone horribly wrong, and April wished Donnie had told her about his plans. She could have saved him. He could be there with her in a flat in New York laughing over a cup of coffee rather than her visiting his grave more than she probably should like a sad, lost puppy.

Donatello had died in her arms. She honestly hadn't been the same since. Even when she got her father back, there was something blocking her from fully being happy. And she knew it was the mutant's death. She had tried therapy, but there's only so much you could say about a dead friend you were in love with that also happened to live in the sewers and be part turtle without giving that away and being sent to the looney bin. She kinda wished she had been sent there. At least she could be left alone about the issue.

But April didn't want to leave the issue alone, though. She had to remind herself that he was gone. Dead. Buried deep in the ground and not with her safe and sound at home. Even thirty years later she was still in denial.

When Donnie had died, she spent hours searching his lab for answers. She came to his journal and read about all of the unmade inventions, the formulas to cures and poisons that could put human scientists to shame and even personal thoughts. Thoughts about her.

He had drawn her on so many pages, wrote their names together and drew hearts over them. It made her cry to no end. When she found the notes for the project he had been working on when he died, her heart broke.

Donatello wanted to be human. Just like her. She recalled him telling her how he had always wanted to win a Nobel Peace Prize, but she didn't realize that when he had said that, he meant it. He wanted to be human. To walk the streets in broad day light, to get a job, to make a difference in the world, to be with her...

April still had Donatello's journal. She'd flip through it every day at some point. Just to remind herself that he had existed. He had been alive and well at one point. It was like he was still with her when she opened the journal. How his OCD shined through in his works and how his handwriting was so sharp and neat...

The red head had obtained most of the mutant's things. His brothers and rat father thought that it was only right for her to obtain them. It would have been what he wanted. They kept more of his personal items. She didn't mind. Anything to remind her of the mutant made her happy.

Splinter and the others visited her often. But only when she was alone. Which was very rare for her nowadays. She had grown and married, but was going through a divorce. It was for the best. She couldn't love him as much as she wanted to. Give him want she could give him. He couldn't fill the hole in her heart that belonged to Donatello and only Donatello.

April felt bad for the man. He was a great lover. A great human being. He was everything she'd probably want in a man if she hadn't met the four brothers. She knew if she had lived a normal life, they'd still be married and ten times happier than they were than they have been for the past...how many years?

She had had a child. A girl. She had named her Shadow after thinking long and hard about it. When her husband had asked her 'why shadow?' She replied with 'I just like the name.' But she named the child deep down after the darkness that wrapped the gravestone of her mutant love.

"Mom, can we go home now?"

April sighed. She knew she couldn't stay there forever. She had a life to tend to. The red head stood up, feeling the age in her joints. The stone looked so cold and lonely. She wiped away a stray tear and turned from the stone and bowed her head.

"I'm so sorry, Donnie. I miss you so much. You don't know the half of it, you stupid kid."

She felt herself sob and wiped the tears away before her daughter could see her. Shadow looked up from her place in the grass, a textbook open in front of her. The teenager looked so much like how April did when she was her age, except her hair was a bit darker and she didn't have the same blue eyes.

April could say she looked a lot like her father, but that's the thing: she didn't. She looked a lot like her mother, but whenever the red head glanced into her daughter's eyes, she felt a spark of happiness. They were brown, yes, but they had a tint of red. Call her crazy, but she knew her eyes weren't like her father's at all. Deep down, she liked to pretend that Donatello was shining through in her. That he was really the father, because if he had been human that was how she imagined where her daughter got her looks from. Because she had inherited nothing from her father at all.

The teenager stood up, closing her text book and brushed the grass from her outfit. She smiled at her mom, flashing a gap in her teeth at the middle aged woman. April felt herself smile, the tears going away.

"Bout time, mom. I thought I was going to grow a beard by the time you were finished. You okay?"

"Yes, sweetie. I'll be fine. I just needed a moment."

Shadow nodded. That's what April loved about her daughter. Even when she dragged her to Donnie's grave, she never questioned her mother at all. It was like she understood that April needed her time there. That it was important. She was so intelligent for someone her age, so brilliant. She knew she'd do great things with her life. Donnie would be so proud.

The two walked away from the meadow and to the dirt road where the car was parked. The sun was beginning to set in the sky. April reached the car and turned around to look at the tree. She could see where the stone was and felt sad for leaving Donatello alone yet again. The tree branches moved in the wind, as though Donnie himself were waving goodbye to her. As if he were saying 'See you again, soon! I love you'

April closed the door and waited for her daughter to buckle up before starting up the car. 'Yeah,' she thought. 'See you again soon, Donnie. I'll see you again real soon. And I love you, too.' She started up the car and drove off, the gravesite becoming nothing more than a speck in her rear view mirror.


	3. Rest In Peace

A young woman stood in the shadow of a willow tree as the sun set over the New York City skyline behind her. Her dark crimson hair glistened in the sunlight, her red brown eyes casted down to the two slabs of stone on the ground.

The woman, Shadow, knew she didn't have to be there, but she wanted to. It had been that way since she was a child. Her mother would take her there and sit in the exact spot she stood, just staring at the slab of stone in the ground.

As a child, Shadow didn't understand why her mother loved that spot so much. Or why she could stare at the stone for so long. But now, as her gaze hovered between the original stone and the newest one, she understood.

Shadow's mother, April, had passed away months ago from an unknown cause. At only fifty six years old, the doctors had no explanation for her death. She was in great shape for a woman her age and had no sign of heart failure or high blood pressure or anything. No real reason for her to die.

But Shadow knew that, deep down, her mother had died of a broken heart. All her life, April had been a great mother to Shadow. She nurtured and cared for her in so many ways, sometimes she felt guilty for having such a great mom to rely on. But her mom had always had a certain air of sadness around her. Whether it was a far off look in her eye, the slight curve in her smile to the incoherent and unconscious sigh she gave off whenever she thought that no one was listening, Shadow's mother never seemed to be fully happy. And it both frustrated and hurt Shadow to know she couldn't bring her mother happiness.

Shadow sighed. She knew she did bring her mom happiness, but she wished it had been enough to fill whatever void had been made in her heart. Shadow could continue to pretend to not understand her mother's pain, but honestly, she did.

It wasn't too hard to figure out. When she grew old enough to know better, she had taken the time to read the stone her mother stared at:

'Here lies Donatello Yoshi

Beloved friend, brother, and fighter.'

Shadow didn't know who the man was and never really questioned her mom about it. Her father didn't seem to recognize the name when she had asked and her mother never talked about any one with the name either. She never told her father about the slab. She figured it was something he didn't know about and probably shouldn't. Whenever her mom had taken her to the place with the willow tree, she had always told the man that they were 'going to the park.'

April and Shadow's father had divorced ten years prior to April's death. Shadow would say it was a hard time for her, but it wasn't. Shadow never really felt a connection with her father. Like she could never fully see him as her dad. She knew it was harsh, but it was the truth.

Shadow didn't even look like him. She had her mother's hair and features, but everything else didn't look like her own father at all. Where his eyes were blue, like her mother's, she had brown eyes that came off as reddish in the sunlight. Her nose wasn't like his at all and her face shape didn't match her father nor her mother's.

Shadow knew her father suspected her mother of cheating on him. Whenever he looked Shadow in the eye, he had this look of disappointment. This look that accused her of not being his child. That was another reason why she couldn't really love him as much as she should. And why he couldn't be the fatherly figure she needed growing up. He couldn't be the father to a girl he didn't suspect was his own. Both silently agreed they weren't related to one another deep down, so they might as well go their own separate ways.

She knew her mother never cheated. April had no reason to. And frankly, she wouldn't anyways. She was always at home. Always taking care of Shadow. Always working on some science project. She was loyal in every sense of the way, and if her father couldn't see it then he deserved the divorce.

The young woman's eyes grazed over Donatello's name. It sounded so familiar. And not because she spent most of her life having the name in the back of her mind. Deep down, she knew who this man was. But she didn't know how, since he had died fifteen years before she was born.

Shadow leaned back on her heals, her mind spinning. She never told her mom this, but she had dreams where this strange man would come into her room. He wasn't a threatening figure nor did he scare her. He always came in with this kind smile and relaxed pose that made her feel comfortable to be around him.

The man would read her her favorite stories and sometimes tell some of his own. Of his adventures with his three brothers that they had when they were teenagers of running through the night fighting ninjas and robotic creatures. He made her laugh when she was sad, listened to her when she was frustrated with kids from her school and braided her hair with his six fingers when she had had a long and stressful day.

She dismissed them as dreams growing up, but when she woke up with her hair truly braided in the morning after talking with the man, she knew that they weren't dreams. And even knowing that, she wasn't afraid.

This man that came to her was the father she had always wanted. He took over her dad's place in her eyes and she loved him for being there for her when she needed him the most. And not just in emotional ways, either. Shadow had always suspected the man was her true father. They had the same eyes and gap in their teeth. She knew he wasn't fully human, but she didn't care. He was there for her and loved her and supported her. Even when he couldn't be there outside of her dreams, she knew she could rely on him whenever she really needed him.

Shadow never told her mother any of this. Wanted it to be her own little thing with her 'dad.' But now that her mother was six feet under the ground, she regretted her choice. Would her mother still be alive if she had told her?

The woman's eyes glanced over to the second slab. She felt her heart sink for the first time since her mother had died. She bent down and brushed her fingers over the slab, just like how she had seen her mother do all those years ago and read the words set in stone:

'Here Lies April O'Neil

Beloved friend, mother, and daughter.'

Everyone had suggested burying April in the local cemetery, but Shadow refused to bury her mom in any cemetery. She knew her mother would want to be buried there. She hadn't written it in her will, but something told Shadow that if she didn't put her mother to rest under the shade of the willow tree, she'd regret it for the rest of her life.

Shadow's mouth felt dry. It was almost dark and she knew she should be leaving soon. She placed the flowers she held in her hands onto the graves and stepped back. Her lips quivered and opened to speak the words she had been waiting to say for so long:

"Goodbye, mom. Goodbye, dad. I'll see you soon."

She turned from the graves, a sob caught in her throat and the tears came faster than she had expected. Shadow semi walked semi ran to her car parked a ways off. She turned the engine on and pulled onto the dirt road. Before taking off, the woman glanced in the rear view mirror in time to see the branches of the willow tree sway in the wind.

And in that instant, she could have sworn she saw two figures standing on the hill: one tall, bald with only three fingers on each hand and the other short with red hair like hers blowing in the wind. The two held hands and seemed to wave in her direction, smiles on their faces.

Shadow felt a smile grow on her face as she turned her attention back to the road and took off. She was glad she had taken the time to say goodbye, and knew she could live the rest of her life knowing that burying her mother under the willow tree was the best decision she had ever made. Now the grief of her family could now be laid to rest and knew that, wherever her mom and dad were, they were happy and finally back together after all those years apart.


End file.
